Being Strong

The past couple days have been harder not for Savannah and Addie but for me. I woke up yesterday morning and all I could think was that Olivia is gone and she's not coming home. I miss her so much my heart aches. It feels like theres been a whole punch in my chest and everytime I think about her it seems to get bigger. I know I'm suppose to be strong and hold it together for Savannah, Addie and Gabe but I can't anymore I'm done being strong.

Tears of Joy

Good day in a row number 3! Gabe and I stopped to have a nice quiet breakfast before we went to visit the girlies. Savannah opened her eyes at her daddy today! I've never in my life seen Gabe cry not at our wedding, not when we were told we couldn't conceive naturally, not when we miscarried or even when the babies were born. He's always been a rock for me but today for the first time I saw tears. It was precious! He tried to pass it off as "he got something in his eye" but please Gabe I'm not that stupid! Addisyn is doing good she had a little bit of difficulty breathing for a couple minutes last night so no touching for a while but still doing great!

We're going out tonight with my sister, her husband and their 3 kids for supper. My sister is the most amazing women/mother I've ever known. She 3 years older than me. When our mom died when I was 12 she took over the mother role for me and my younger brother. Her and her husband have 2 boys and a girl Nathan (Nate) who's 7, Benjamin (Benny) who's 5 and Lillian (Lilly) who's 3.

The song of the day isn't really a song, it's a quote that hit me like a freight train today.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option"

A Smile's Worth A Thousand Words

I smiled today. I even laughed a bit. While I was sitting with Savannah I was in tears knowing that I would never be able to do that again with Olivia but just then she opened her eyes again. This time she looked straight at me as if to say "I know your hurting mommy but it will all be okay, please be strong for Addie and I" She closed her eyes again. When I told "our nurse" that she opened her eyes "our nurse" seemed stunned and said that she hasn't ever seen her with her eyes open. She then went to ask the doctor and other nurses if they had ever seen her with them open and everyone said no. Turns out she's never (been seen) opened her eyes without me being there beside her. I've only seen it twice but it feels like she's saving it for me and that's so special.

I got to touch Addisyn today!!! I got to put one finger in her tiny little hand. Her heart rate stayed the same and her oxygen stats were perfect! Savannah's still a little too sensitive to be touched yet but hey we're getting somewhere. "Our nurse" was there with me while I got to hold her hand and she held my other hand while I cried but today they weren't tears of sadness they were tears of joy.

What I've learned over the past days and weeks is every day is a new beginning and the past is the past, some days are high days and some days are "one foot in front of the other days". But everyday is worth a smile because a smile is worth a thousand words.

You'll Be In My Heart

I finally stopped crying last night. I hadn't been to see Savannah and Addisyn since Thursday. So I got up the strength to shower this morning, eat breakfast and visit them. Savannah opened her eyes for the first time today! It was only for about 2 seconds but they were definately open!!! Addisyn hasn't forgot to breathe since Friday night! The girls are doing awesome!

Me on the other hand is a different story. I must have said I'm fine thanks a thousand times today and I didn't meen it once. I stopped crying but I didn't stop hurting. Everyone says it will get easier with time but I want to know when is that time?

I Lay Down and I Don't Want To Get Back Up

I don't know how I'm going to type this. 1:30 am Thursday morning we got the call no mother ever wants to get. Olivia had stopped breathing on her own and was now depenant on the life support. When we got to the hospital I couldn't walk through the doors. We got to hold Olivia one time each first I did then Gabe held her when it was time to take her off life support he gave her back to me so I could hold her for the last time. She took her last breath at 3:08 am. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. In the moment I saw everything we had planned for her, her first steps, her first day of school, her first date, her prom, her wedding it was like seeing her whole life flash in front of my eyes. We gave her kisses and hugs and let her go. I have been crying non-stop since Thursday morning. I lay down and I don't want to get back up. I don't know how I'll keep going.

Goodbye Olivia :'(

The doctors told us today that we should start saying goodbye to Olivia. She has developed severe pneumonia and her tiny little body won't be strong enough to fight it off. They are treating her with antibiotics but they are holding out much hope. It tore me apart inside to walk out of the hospital knowing she could not be alive the next time I see her. I don't know how I will do this.

We Love Boring Days!

Nothing really to report today! (YAY!) Savannah and Olivia had an awesome day! Addisyn "forgot to breathe" a couple times this morning but she's been better this afternoon.

Gabe and I went out for dinner last night for two hours and I didn't even call the hospital once! I should mention I called the second we got in the door but still I went two whole hours without calling. That probably sounds so weird to you but to me it's an accomplishment! When I did call the nurse that was on duty (not our nurse a fill in that was kind of a b---h) said wow you made it two whole hours in a really snarky way. Let's just say I lost it with her. I don't remember everything I said but the just of it was that they are my babies and I have every right in the world to know how they are. She didn't say much after that. Gabe was surprised by how authoritative I was. I've never been really bossy and I don't take control too often but when it comes to my babies I'll do anything.

Song of the day is Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman.

Miracle of the Moment - Steven Curtis Chapman

Bye Bye UAC!

No more UAC for Savannah! The umbilical catheter was for daily blood tests she won't be needing anymore daily ones, probably every second or third day. Olivia and Addisyn still have theirs. The girls doctor thinks Olivia's may be able to come out sometime this week and Addisyn's may have to stay in for another week or so. All girls were strong today! We love proving the doctors wrong!

We Made It Two Weeks! (and a day)

The girls were two weeks old yesterday! Their doctor told me yesterday that when they were first born he wasn't sure any of them let alone all of them were going to make it. Wow! was all I had to say about that. This is just a quick update because I'm going to visit the girls now. Just wanted to let anyone who cares know that they are still improving!!

Song of the day is Ordinary Miracle by Sarah Mclachlan. I thought it was suitable for the past couple days.

Ordinary Miracle - Sarah McLachlan

Here Comes The Sun (do do do do)!

Sorry I was MIA yesterday. Gabe's parents were down for the day and we were visiting with them.

The girls are thriving! All of them are doing better even Addisyn! Gabe and I still can't touch them because it would overstimulate their senses. It's so hard for them to be almost two weeks old and I haven't even touched them yet. Somedays it's hard to put one foot in front of the other but then I go and see those tiny little faces and I feel 1000% better.

The song of the day is Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles. I heard it while driving home from visiting the girls and thought it was perfect for the past couple days!

Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles

:D!

I have no other title for this post other then :D! We've had 3 good days in a row!!! All of us and I don't mean just the babies. I've even been feeling better. Of course I get emotional when I have to leave but it's easier at night to sleep knowing my babies are okay. I'm only calling about every 2 hours now. The babies were weighed today! :

Savannah's 1 pound 4 ounces gained 2 ounces!
Olivia's 1 pound 3 ounces gained 2 ounces!
Addisyn's 1 pound 4 ounces gained 1 ounce!

All the girls are doing better and their medications are working great! Addisyn has developed GERD (reflux) so now all the girls are on medication for reflux. Her heart rate was unstable yesterday afternoon (the reason why I couldn't update). All in all we've had an awsome couple of days!

Another song I found that has really helped is What It Means To Be Loved by Mark Shultz I'll attach a link to the song from youtube for you.

**WARNING** If your hormonal or don't want to be seen crying at the moment wait and listening to the song at a later date because it WILL make you cry!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJOSMB0QhFY

We Found Our Guardian Angel!

The girls have one nurse who has been there since the moment they were born. This nurse is amazing! She has sat with me through absolutely everything! She told me her story the other day, She has a daughter who was a 27 weeker and weigh 1 pound 1 ounce when she was born. The doctors told her to not expect her daughter to live through the first 24 hours of her life, her daughter is now 11 and perfectly healthy. During one of my moments she told me to close my eyes, she said now imagine your daughters 4 years old, your on your way to the ice cream store and all 3 girls are riding their tricycles. Your holding your husband's hand and laughing at how worried you were back in the day (meaning now). Savannah's in front and bolting down the sidewalk, Addisyn's right by your side because she's mommy's girl and Olivia is lagging behind because she's the tiniest. I don't know why but I felt so much better after that. I feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel There IS hope!

Every time I'm having a moment I go back to "our ice cream store". I have now requested that she be the girls primary nurse any day she's working. Yesterday when I was being discharged she was there for us. It was only later this afternoon that I discovered she wasn't scheduled to work yesterday. She wasn't being payed for working yesterday she just wanted to be there for Gabe and I.

She truly is our guardian angel!!

How many times can you call a hospital in a 12 hour period?

Is it bad I called 11 times to the hospital during the night? I called every hour on the hour (I'm pumping so I was up anyway) until 8 this morning when we could finally go and visit them. I spent 4 hours there and what felt like forever trying to leave. It took me only an hour to say goodbye this time (yesterday it took almost 3 hours).

The girls are absolutely perfect! Savannah's medications have taken great effect and she is doing a lot better. Olivia's breathing has improved a lot! It's still going to be a while before she (or any of the girls) can come of the ventilator but a little improvement is better then none! Addisyn's surgery to close up her PDA worked wonders and the doctors say her heart murmurs are completely gone! Her apnea is being treated with a medication to stimulate her breathing and her heart rate has stayed up for the past day! It's true . . . God does work miracles!

I'm feeling a bit better, still having my moments but feeling better. I also found a song that speaks a lot to both Gabe and I. It's called "Mountains" by Lonestar. Go watch the song! My sister made me listen to it this morning during one of my moments.

Thank you everyone for the thoughts, prayers and support you have given to our family! There obviously working so please keep them coming!

Jenn

First Night Home

Alright sorry about the third post today but I need to vent . . .

I thought the first night home, the baby was suppose to cry all night not the mom. I thought the baby was suppose to be up all night not the mom. I admit I put on a good face, I put on a smile to get through the day but when I fall asleep at night I cry, I cry and I cry some more. I try to hide it from my family even from my husband but I can't do it any more I can't pretend like I'm not broken I can't pretend like my heart is not left back at the hospital with my three girls. I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me that my daughters are a week old and I haven't even touch them yet. I can't pretend anymore . . .

Told You I Was Going To Be Emotional!

Okay I may have done the worse thing I can ever think of just an hour ago. Absolutely everything I have in me was telling me to stop and turn around as I was walking out of the hospital. Mother's instinct? I visited each girl one last time and told each one of them how much I loved them and I would be back soon. Luckily my sister who lives about ten minutes away from the hospital offered to let us stay in her basement apartment until the girls can come home. It's a blessing in it's self to be so close to the hospital in case anything happens. I've already called twice since we got here. Absolutely nothing has changed since we left but I still can't help but worried every second that somethings wrong with my babies. How will I ever get through this? :'(

Our Story

My name is Jenna and I'm a new mom of fraternal girl triplets. My husband, Gabe, and I have been married for almost 10 years. We tried to conceive a baby for three years before I finally broke down and went to see a fertility specialist. She diagnosed me with PCOS and told us there was very little chance I'd ever be able to conceive with medical help. That's when we started IVF treatments . . .

On our first try we got pregnant with twins. Sadly Twin B miscarried at 8 weeks and Twin A stopped growing at 10 weeks. We went through IVF again and I didn't become pregnant.

I was done trying to have kids but Gabe convinced me to try IVF one last time. We were happily surprised when we got pregnant but shocked to find out there were four babies! We learned that they were all girls at my 18 week ultrasound.

November 30th, we learned that Baby A had died in my belly. I was put on hospital bed rest for the doctors and nurses to monitor the three remaining girls. I was released from the hospital with orders to just "take it easy" for a while two weeks later.

On December 26th 2010 I had an obstetrician appointment. When my OB checked my blood pressure it was at 161/110. She admitted me to the hospital right away. I was given magnesium to try and bring down my blood pressure. It didn't come down until the next Saturday (January 1st 2011). During that week I was air lifted to a hospital with a level 3 neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) because that hospital had a better chance of being able to save the girls if they were born early.

January 1st 2011 at 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant my water broke in the afternoon. I was immediately sent for an emergency c-section.

Savannah Tess was born first. She weighed 1 pound 2 ounces and was 10.5 inches long. She hasn't had anything major. She does have anemia and GERD (reflux) but both are being controlled by medicine.

Olivia Emerson was born next. She weighed 1 pound and was 10 inches long. She has RDS (respiratory distress syndrome) She is being treated and will be on a breathing tube for a while. Since the doctors discovered it she has improved greatly! She also has GERD (reflux) but it's being managed by medicine which is working wonders!

Addisyn Penelope was born least but certainly not last. She was the biggest weighing 1 pound 3 ounces and was 11 inches long. She had PDA (patent ductus arteriosus). Addie was given treatments for it but they didn't work so she had to have surgery on January 6th. The surgery close up the PDA (THANK GOD!) and she is doing much better. Addisyn also has apnea which is commonly found in preemies and it's where the baby "forgets to breathe". Her apnea has resulted in bradycardia. Bradycardia is when a babies heart rate is too low. She's on medication to stimulate her breathing until it all gets sorted out.

My husband and I have been on an emotional roller coaster or rather just me. Gabe has been optimistic and a rock through everything. I on the other hand have not been so stable. The first couple days I was a wreck. just seeing my babies hooked up to all the tubes and wires was so hard for me. I've been better now that I realized they HAVE to be hooked up to the tubes and wires. I have to go home today and the girls obviously have to stay here so I don't know how I'll be but stay tuned for an emotional post later on today . . .